BIDDEN

I fear…
Being alone…
Being overwhelmed…
Being controlled….
Being out of control…
Being used…
Being a user…
Being…
Just simply being…
And, then, not being…
I know not that which
I need…
And I fear…

I need…
To know what is the need…
Therefore…
I pray…
“Help”, the last word before I sleep.
I reach…
“Help”, the word begged as I waken.
I yearn…
“Help”, the word syncopating with
Every movement…
Every moment…
Every day…
And I need…

I listen…
Waiting for the answer…
Counting broken heart beats…
Filling lungs with empty breaths…
Sonorous ringing in ears taunting the silence…
Every moment…
Every day…
And I listen…

I hear…
A fairytale story,
A lifetime spent
Apart,
Slightly out of step,
Finally arriving together…
For the grand finale…
Both single…
Both alone…
Both here…
And I hear…

But…

I think…
Does help come in the form of a new bidder?
Am I to be auctioned off as chattel?
Is this patriarchical plan a precipitation of putting me in my place…again?
Yet…
I am honored…
I am flattered…
I am touched…
By the story within a story
With the happily-ever-after-ending
In sight…
And I think…

But is this what I truly want?

Others would be happy.
This is an answer to prayers.
Others would be happy.
This is a storyline they understand.
Others would be happy.
This is someone to care for me.
As though I am incapable
Of caring for myself….

But is this what I truly want?

Am I the one who constructs this cliche?
Am I the one that holds rigid strictures in place?
Am I the one unable to accept
A life alone?

Or is this what I truly want?

Wake up…alone…
Feed the cats…alone…
Water the plants…alone…
Prepare my meals…alone…
Walk the dogs…alone…
Take out my trash…alone…
Watch my shows…alone…
Feel my feelings…alone…
Share my feelings…with none…

But…

My heart is…so…tired…

Yet…

I can see me,
A claymation figurine
Sweeping clouds of
Billowing dirt and dust,
Out
Of my little door
Of my little dwelling
Of my little corner
Of my little world
…alone…

And I look in the mirror
At the rictures of time
And I say to me,
“I am…free.”

What do I want?!!!

By cindy
7/9/2017